i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
