hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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