i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
