I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
