My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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