He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
