thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
