I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
