wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
