You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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