Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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