The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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