why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
