A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
