she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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