Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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