Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
