I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
