just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
