I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
