I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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