I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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