Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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