I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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