we're chasing vodka with high fives
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dicks are not precious.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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