Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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