So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
