I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I still have a little drunk in my system
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
