I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Everything about him screamed your future.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
