My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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