just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
we should paint friendship bongs
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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