Soap is not a condiment
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
