just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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