Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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