my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
