You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
