At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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