So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
