I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
