I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
