ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
