just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
