What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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