If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
