Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
