You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
