You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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