Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
