I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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