I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
