Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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