This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
