I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
