I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
