I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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