Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
